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Three Things I Learned In June

By Ryan, June 26, 2008

June 6: Sometimes, less than my best is enough
Right before my graduation ceremony, my German teacher from the last three years pulled me aside and asked me to be a German tutor this coming school year. Even though I didn’t give my best work in that class, she said that I performed brilliantly in the area of sight reading and comprehension, which is what German 1 students need the most help with. Even though I was not on top of all my homework, I still did well enough to impress my teacher. And she asked me personally to be a tutor for her students! Sweet dog, you know I’ll be taking that offer. I get to practice teaching!

June 7: Sometimes, my best is less than enough
My girl buddy broke up with me. I felt somewhat insulted. I did everything the best way I knew how, and, despite my lack of prior experience, I have come to discover that overall, I was a pretty good boyfriend. Although she was right to say that my lack of experience was detrimental, I still never felt like she valued me on the level that I valued her. It wasn’t fair that she broke up with the only one who tried to make the relationship work. But if life was meant to be fair, we’d all burn in hell. In cases like this — when you invest your best and get little return — the best thing you can do is try to improve on what your best is. In this case, I can use the lessons I learned about what kind of girl I’m looking for. And, just as a side note to the girl(s) who read this blog, take a lesson: unless your boyfriend blows up your car on a Friday night, don’t break up with him on a Saturday morning.

June 16: I’m not the same man I was a year ago
On June 16th, I was at Camp WOW, the youth camp my church has gone to during the last three summers. I had a lot of stories I wanted to blog about, but I don’t have time to type all of them out, so I picked out my favorite one: me against the trapeze.
At the camp, there is a 30-foot pole known as the power pole. After putting on a harness, one climbs to the top of the pole and stands at the very top, which is comparable in size to a bagel. Upon standing on top, the climber is to turn around and jump toward a trapeze that is suspended in the air about 5 feet away. On the 15th, I climbed but fell off before I reached the top. But I tried it again, waiting in line for 90 minutes under the unshielded sun with an already painful sunburn. And this time, I made it to the top and I caught the trapeze.
I used to be a quitter. My dad once told me that he constantly noticed me trying something that didn’t work the first time, then giving up. Phone calls, scholarship applications, job applications... you name it, I’ve given up on it after failing once. But that’s not me anymore.

Labels: Challenges, Dating, Relationships

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Patience

By Ryan, May 17, 2008

In my aptly-named post “Super Bowl Post,” I let my loyal reader(s) know that praying for patience doesn’t result in just becoming patient, but rather tests of patience. I would soon find out just how right I was.

I prayed for patience after I made that post, and just 9 days later, my uncle was found dead in his home in Alabama. That same day, the worship director from my church in Tulsa died on the operating table. And later in the week, I had relationship issues and a near miss on the road that could have turned into a fatal wreck. But in the end, it all worked out. The lessons I learned from that week have started paying off.

Prior to the worst week of my life, I thought I was ready to have a girlfriend at any time, and I got a bit hasty. But in retrospect, it’s a good thing my first attempt failed... because it opened up the door for my current girl buddy. She’s already the best thing about my senior year (if not the only good thing about it). None of the other girls I had my eye on in the past would have improved me the way Kristi has... in just three weeks of dating for that matter! For example, I wrote a nice note to my English teacher last week when a student was giving her a hard time. But I wouldn’t have even thought about it if I hadn’t gotten a note from my girl buddy. It was a great example to follow, and because of her, I made someone else’s day.

To sum it all up, I learned how to be patient and why it’s important. The “how” is simple: just pray. You’ll likely lose something you hold dear to your heart, but God probably won’t tell you that He doesn’t want patience from you. The “why” is a pretty simple concept, though it can be a tough pill to swallow. God has a plan for every single one of us, and we don’t know what it is until it’s over. Sometimes, when things don’t go the way we planned, we need to just trust that it’s God’s way of making room for something even better.

Labels: Challenges, Dating, Relationships

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The Right Reasons

By Ryan, May 23, 2007

What do you want people to notice about you? It’s a question I’ve been pondering for a long time, and the answer to it serves as my new reason for not wanting a girlfriend... at least right now.

Any girl who likes me romantically is obviously not attracted to wealth. That’s a good thing for me. When I have a job, I will inevitably have money. And, depending on my money management skills and my income, I could become very wealthy one day. If that happens before I get married, I hope that I have enough self-control to hide my wealth. I don’t want money to be what people notice about me. Because then I will attract money-ridden women. And that’s not what I want. What do I want girls to notice about me?

Any girl who likes me romantically is obviously not shallow. You may see this as me being hard on myself. It’s not. It’s me being glad that I don’t have to worry about girls liking me for impure reasons. I don’t want my looks to be what people notice about me. But what do I want girls to notice about me?

When a girl finally does like me in a romantic way, I want it to be because she sees God in me. I want to date a girl who sets God as the top priority when looking for a boyfriend. Because if that’s her priority, that means she herself is likely a devout Christian. And that’s what I want... a good Christian girlfriend. So what I want girls to notice about me is that I am an outstanding Christian.

There’s one problem with that. I’m not one of those. I still struggle with the purity of my thoughts. I still tell jokes my parents would not be proud of. Any girl who likes me right now is either unimpressed by spirituality or is deceived by the way I act at church. Either way, it will be a while before I will let myself have a girlfriend.

Labels: Dating

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Dating Madness - 5 of 5

By Ryan, January 31, 2007

Sorry, guys, I’m all out of these cool segways. You’ll just have to settle for a post this week. Aww.

1. We often try to skip the part where we’re “just friends”
2. Physical relationships aren’t necessarily a sign of real love
3. Dating frequently results in two-person cliques
4. Dating is too focused on the short-term
5. We usually leave out what’s important

Once again, I have to tip my hat to Justin and Brittney. They are quite serious about each other, but they don’t seem to let that take each other away from God. Justin still reads his Bible all the time, and Brittney... well, she goes to Baylor, the best Southern Baptist school in the country... I’m positive that she is still focusing on the Lord.

At my church, we have a special emphasis on accountability partners. My philosophy is that if your boyfriend/girlfriend is your accountability partner, you’re probably doing okay. However, in most cases, I don’t see this... even in Christian relationships. A boyfriend and a girlfriend who can put God first in everything they do together, generally speaking, will have no trouble at all with any of these, because everything should fall into place.

But it doesn’t even stop at religion. One of my friends from English claims frequently that he couldn’t do his homework because he was at his girlfriend’s house. Whether that’s true or not, it is a problem either way. For him, it means that either his girlfriend is a distraction from school work, or she’s an excuse that makes him sound that much cooler to his classmates.

To tell the truth, I still do like a few girls. I know how hypocritical it makes me sound, especially after all these reasons not to date. So I’m here to say that dating is okay. What it all comes down to is attitude and self-control. Maintain both and everything should work out okay. Let one slip away and fall down go boom.

Labels: Dating, Relationships

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Dating Madness - 4 of 5

By Ryan, January 24, 2007

Whew, almost done. Without further ado, Number 4:

1. We often try to skip the part where we’re “just friends”
2. Physical relationships aren’t necessarily a sign of real love
3. Dating frequently results in two-person cliques
4. Dating is too focused on the short-term

I have little doubt that some of you are wondering what it is with me and dating. I’ve gotten complaints that “I’m saying that dating is wrong altogether; what about when it’s time to marry?” Well, face it, high schoolers are shallow.

You heard me. Shallow.

In high school, our perception of dating is slightly different. I think that if I were to be caught walking down the hallways of Frisco High School holding hands with a hot redhead girl, my reputation points would go through the roof! All the guys would be like, “Dude, your girlfriend is awesome! Nice job, homey!” And all the girls would tell my girlfriend that she “looks so cute with me.” One of the counselors at FHS handed me this bit of advice, back when I was less philosophical about women:

You’re a smart, nice kid. You don’t have a girlfriend right now because girls are [mainly] thinking about how each boy would affect their social lives. ... But when you get into college, women will be thinking more about marriage. Their standards will shift from favoring the best-looking men to the intelligent, benevolent ones.

Labels: Dating, Relationships

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Dating Madness - 3 of 5

By Ryan, January 17, 2007

Just a quick recap: Last week, I execrated* the idea of “getting too physical” in a realationship. Time for week three.

1. We often try to skip the part where we’re “just friends”
2. Physical relationships aren’t necessarily a sign of real love
3. Dating frequently results in two-person cliques

For purposes of the story, I will refer to two of my friends only as Jack and Jill. They did not go up any hill, but they did go out for a while.

Jack had been one of my better friends for a long time. Jill? I had known her for a little while; not any shorter than Jack had, though. (Those of you who read my last post can already point out their first error.) They met each other and, for a while, seemed “cute”* together. Ask me where they went wrong.

Hey, I’m glad you asked. As soon as they started going out, my friendship with Jack deteriorated... quickly. He treated me with more sarcasm than usual. He would eventually stop talking to me. And as for Jill... she avoided me, thinking it would be better for her social life if Jack was the only male presence. This started her down the path to the dark side... and by that I mean that she slowly began cutting herself off from almost every friendship. And this is what I see too frequently, and it’s why I have decided strongly against having a girlfriend. I don’t trust myself to keep all my other friendships healthy while maintaining a dating relationship. Oh, sure, I probably could, but I’m already happy the way I am.

The bottom line: If you think you can have a dating relationship without causing other good friendships to wither away like the grass, go for it. But the minute you catch yourself going down a path that leads you away from vital friends, break it off immediately.

Now, in the midst of all this hopeless negativism, comes the part where I brag on my best friend, Justin... an example of what is good in a teenage dating relationship. He’s been going out with his girlfriend for almost a year, and it’s quite obvious that they like each other as more than just friends. The main difference? His girlfriend is open to being friends with anyone that he wants to hang out with, and vice-versa. I hate sounding like a crony, but every time I think of what it would be like to have a girlfriend, I think of how much I want to be like them. Kudos, Justin and Brittney.

Labels: Dating, Relationships

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Dating Madness - 2 of 5

By Ryan, January 10, 2007

And now it’s time for Dating Advice With Ryan: the part of the blog where Ryan comes out and gives dating advice.

Last Wednesday, I spoke against cutting to the chase. This week, it’s us against the world. What I say in the next few paragraphs will completely shun what the world promotes as OK.

1. We often try to skip the part where we’re “just friends”
2. Physical relationships aren’t necessarily a sign of real love

Once again, I’m gonna have to quote Joshua Harris’s book:

Just because lips have met doesn’t mean hearts have joined. And just because two bodies are drawn to each other doesn’t mean two people are right for each other. A physical relationship doesn’t equal love. ... Sadly, many Christian dating relationships reflect [the wrong] mindset.
(Harris 36)

Labels: Dating, Relationships

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Dating Madness - 1 of 5

By Ryan, January 3, 2007

Some of us like to take part in the ancient ritual known to us as New Year’s Resolutions. Every year from 2002 to 2006, I resolved to have a girlfriend sometime by the end of the year. I started hitting on girls, and most of them responded in a way I didn’t want. I’ve gotten the good old-fashioned easy letdown, the punch in the gut, and everything in between. This year, I resolved not to rush into having a girlfriend, and, thanks to a book by Joshua Harris, I have perfectly legit reasoning for such.

1. We often try to skip the part where we’re “just friends”

This zinger probably nailed just about every person in my teenage audience. Even if you have never had a girlfriend, you’ve probably at least looked at a girl you didn’t know very well and thought of her as a potential girlfriend.

The two most common mistakes in this category would begin with the one I just described. The nubmer two most common mistake is along the lines of: “Well, I’ve known her for x number of days. Now I can ask her out.” I’ll be honest; I have been more than guilty of both.

The main difference between being friends and going out, as written by Harris, boils down to one paragraph:

The premise of dating is “I’m attracted to you; therefore, let’s get to know each other.” The premise of friendship, on the other hand, is “We’re interested in the same things; let’s enjoy these common interests together.” If, after developing a friendship, romantic attraction forms, that’s an added bonus.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 1997. (Harris 35)

Labels: Dating, Relationships

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